Letters to the Departed, #2

I bought a flower for you and before I could even plant it in the ground, it b l o o m e d. It’s pink, which was your favorite color.

I can’t wait to find a place to plant it. I’m going to take good care of it so that it can live for as long as possible. When it’s time is up, when it’s purpose has been fulfilled, I can let it go.

I have to constantly remind myself that it was your time to go. You fulfilled your purpose. Being a selfish human being, I feel as if a part of your purpose was to make me feel human, not like a diagnosis. Because that’s what you did for me. You made me feel human.

You were my best friend. You are my best friend. I hope you see the flower from heaven and watch it continue to bloom.

I hope this letter finds you well, and I am going to continue writing you letters. I am going to continue to stay on track to remain h u m a n, not a diagnosis.

Ali Vee

In The Woods Series, #2

When the part of you that dies with me rises up like the undead and grasps on to the souls of the martyred with it’s bloody claws, I’ll simply stand still and say, “I told you so.”

Bloodied face, fingernails chipped from holding on for so long, and yet you come back with vengeance, killing anyone who gets in your way.

Words that hurt, words that are etched in to the mind of the ones who held on for so long, yet had to leave for their own sanity.

Don’t forget the ones who made you, soul. For they are the ones who you are taking down in all of your vengeance.

When you’ve had enough, no one will be there, for we are the ones that are on the ground, taking our last breaths.

Ali Vee

In The Woods Series, #1

Sometimes the person you would take a bullet for is the one behind the trigger.

What is trust anymore?

You can’t trust even a best friend to stay faithful, yet the enemy remains true to destroying you. The monsters scare you consistently, yet a friend can’t go one day without telling the village the last time you didn’t eat.

What? What does it take to instill trust in each soul?

Trustworthiness, it being so rare in our days, is an archaic form of love. Our children cannot form a definition of the word, and it is a sad world we live in.

Do not conform, friends, to the world’s ways. Do not get lost in the ways of mortal man. Be true to your fellow man, be kind, be trustworthy.

Let the man next to you form a bond that none shall break, and be so kind that he shall never forget your face, nor your name.

Ali Vee

Letters to the Departed, #1

Talked about you in therapy today. I cried a lot. I miss you. I know you’re in heaven and pain free, but I miss you a lot down here, poop head. I’m gonna keep staying strong for you. I’m lonely, though. I miss your Facebook posts and your texts to check up on me randomly. I just really miss you.

I’m going to start writing letters to you in hopes that you can read them somehow. Maybe that will help me feel better when I miss you like I do now. Talk to you soon. ❤️

For Mama, on Mother’s Day

I could write an entire book on my mother because the things that she does for me, my dad, my sisters, and my nieces and nephews are unmeasurable. I won’t write a book (this time), but what I wanted to write today is too long for a Facebook post or Twitter update.

Since before I was born, my mom has worked her butt off to support the family. My dad was severely injured in 1989 in a construction accident, so it left my mom being the only one to work. Now, I could go into a whole different book about how amazing my dad is, but I won’t do that either. At least not until Father’s Day. 😉

I could also talk about how much she’s done for this entire family, but for this particular blog, I’ll write only about what she’s done for me. Hopefully my sisters and dad are okay with that this time. 🙂

img_1225

From the time I can remember, my mom always supported me, backed me up, stood up for me, talked for me… everything. See, I was born with some things wrong with my brain; a chemical imbalance. I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety and major depression, but those diagnoses didn’t even come about until I was 23. So for 23 years, despite my mom not knowing what was wrong with me, she still supported me, stood up for me, and talked for me.

It was rough, and I only know that now as an adult. I didn’t know what I was putting my mom through when I refused to get out of the car in middle school. I didn’t know what I was putting my mom through when the guidance counselors and teachers and principals called her and talked to her about how I wouldn’t speak to them. My mom went through so much when I was growing up. Keep in mind, she was doing all this while helping my dad with his injuries; doctor’s appointments, surgeries. My three sisters had their own lives that she helped them with as well.

To be straightforward, my mom is truly a super hero. Wonder Woman. Whatever you want to call her. And I mean that sincerely.

img_0524img_0496img_1708img_4653img_5093img_8140

We have been to concerts together, horse races, museums, a million road trips, hikes, and we even travelled the world together. She taught me to look at the sky for the moon and the stars and just stare at it in wonder. She taught me to always be myself, and to stay strong despite what was happening around me. She taught me to breathe during panic attacks and remind me that I would be okay. She taught me to love animals, to appreciate things, and to love God because He loves me.

As a college student, I started college because I wanted to prove the bullies that called me stupid all of my life wrong. But now two years in to my degree, I don’t care about proving them wrong. I want to prove my mom right, because she always told me I was smart and worth more than what anyone was calling me. I want to make my mom proud, I want to prove to her that all that stuff I put her through in my younger years wasn’t a waste and that she made me into the person I am today.

img_7709img_6585img_1002img_0926img_6583img_0342img_9899

The countless doctor’s appointments, taking me in for surgeries and ER visits last year, picking up my medications from the pharmacy, being active in how my therapy sessions went… all of that does not go unnoticed, I promise you. Mama, you deserve the world, but until I can give that to you, I hope all of this is okay.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for loving Daddy through sickness and in health.

Thank you for loving my sisters and their husbands and all of their children. I’m positive you’re the best grandmother in the world and I believe they’d all agree with me.

Thank you for loving Finn, helping me through the time when I was sure I was going to lose him.

img_2554img_2722img_1909img_1130

Thank you for everything; the things that I notice, the things that I don’t notice or even know about, and the things I take for granted.

Thank you for all that you’ve sacrificed.

img_8026img_9817img_9934

img_9935

You and Daddy have made an amazing family and I hope you know how much you’re loved.

I love that I am half of you. I love that people recognize how amazing you are, because you are!

Thank you… for everything.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Dealing With Depression In College

Going to college is difficult. Having depression is difficult. Struggling with both at the same time? That’s something different. I know what you’re thinking – Everybody that goes to college is depressed. I realize that. But some people can deal with it better than others can.

I go to college online, and all homework and assignments are due every Tuesday. That gives me six days to complete everything, and sometimes it is extremely difficult to do when I’m dealing with depression, especially if it sneaks up on me and I get no signs or warnings of it coming. When it happens, I get behind on my homework and assignments. I lose focus. I lose motivation. I lose all hope that college is even something I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

I am the type of person that HATES being late. I also hate when other people are late if we are meeting up. It makes me feel unimportant that that person wouldn’t plan accordingly to be on time. Turning in assignments on time is no different for me. I can’t stand turning them in late. My college’s late assignment policy is that I can turn them in a week late and get 10% off the grade, or up to two weeks late for 20% off the grade. That’s enough for me to want to turn it in on time in case I mess up and get a few points taken off just for my mistakes, much less any points taken off for turning it in late.

I’m a perfectionist. I have to have that perfect grade.

But sometimes… I can’t have that perfect grade. Sometimes I have to listen to my mental health and take a break, despite losing a few points for turning it in late. It’s still hard for me to cope with the fact that I have to turn in my assignment late, even if it’s just a day late. But I have to realize, and sometimes I do, that my mental health is more important than my grades.

My mental health is more important than my grades.

YOUR mental health is more important than your grades.

Being in college is an accomplishment, whether you realize it or not. A lot of people don’t have the access or the privilege to go to college like we do, so we shouldn’t take advantage of it. But sometimes, it’s best to take a step back, take a deep breath, and take a mental health day for ourselves.

I understand other colleges have different late policies than mine, but why not email your professor and tell them what’s going on? You have to be more honest with yourself that you need another day to turn in your assignment, but be honest with your professor as well. I bet they will understand if you just give them a heads up.

Take a mental health day, rest up, cry, binge watch something funny on Netflix, then breathe, take a shower, and go kick some butt. You got this.

Here are some photos I got of the moon tonight (January 20, 2019). Nothing like I would get if I were actually ready for it; I need my tripod and some more practice in photography again before I can get better shots.

Crazy how a football game almost ruined my night, then I realized it ultimately means nothing when it comes to the significance of life. I was definitely reminded of that tonight while (literally) staring off into space. I have no clue how some people are not just transformed when they look at the night sky. I use to want to be astronaut, but then I realized how scared of heights I was. Life is just silly when it comes to comparing it to the vast significance of space. Events like these ground me and make me realize I need to slow down and just stare up at the stars some nights.
img_6159
img_6161

img_6165All photos belong to me. Please ask permission if you want to use them.